One Punch Reviews #28: Girls & Sports
Back when I was in grad school, I knew a guy who work at ESPN.com. Right now I have half a mind to call him up, and, after some friendly conversation, ask, “Who was the guy responsible for getting Girls & Sports on Page 2? Because, dear God, he needs to be be fired… AND savagely beaten.” Because not only do I absolutely hate Girls & Sports with the burning strength of a thousand suns (by Justin Borus and Andrew Fienstein), the very existence of the comic on ESPN.com’s Page 2 (where it’s been featured almost every day since January 25th) unleashed a latent hatred of ESPN.com.
I mean … LOOK at that strip I just posted above. LOOK AT IT! This is supposed to be a joke? FOR ADULTS? This is a joke that’s supposed to appeal to the typical ESPN.com reader? It’s hard not to take Girls & Sports as some sort of insult against ESPN.com readers. Are we readers really drooling, brain-dead neanderthals like the ESPN comments sections suggest?
It’s the sort of comic that alters your worldview and makes you ask uncomfortable questions. Like, was I wrong about the writing skills other Page 2 contributors? Perhaps they’re just Girls & Sports, but in print form. Is DJ Gallo just an unfunny hack cruising on Tom Brady captions? Is the only reason we liked The Sports Guy because he’d throw out Karate Kid and pro-wrestling references every so often? Does Paul Lukas love uniforms just a bit too much when he starts talking about friggin’ eyeglasses? And Gregg Easterbrook… poor, sweet Tuesday Morning Quarterback! Is he just a paranoid old man when he rants that, unless we nationalize an asteroid defense system, the destruction of humanity is inevitable?
Is everything I’ve known a lie?
All this self-doubt rests solely on the weak shoulders of Girls & Sports. (Well, except for Sports Guy being awful, which was pretty apparent after his tantrum when the Colts won the Super Bowl.) This comic brought everything into focus: ESPN.com’s Page 2 really does think we’re stupid. It about a bunch of stupid characters with stupid jokes with some of the most dreadful “art” that you will find anywhere. A monkey with a ball-point pen would’ve done better. I mean, check out this illustration of “The Dream Woman.” Ohh, yeah, baby. Embrace me in your noodle arms while I gaze at your Pinocchio nose and your heavy mascara.
The comic basically boils down to one joke: women are hot and unobtainable, unless you’re in a relationship with one, after which is a huge pain in the ass. Which, honestly, does have comedic potential… if it the execution wasn’t so god-awful and, frankly, insulting and smug.
Douchetard #1: Women are trouble.
Douchetard #2: I hear that.
Douchetard #3: SPORTS REFERENCE.
The worst part is that ESPN.com would’ve been better signing up Tank McNamara. And Tank McNamara is AWFUL. Maybe I’m being too hard on the poor ESPN.com manager who signed up to put this comic on their site. Maybe he or she said, “Ah, just what we need on this site! More focus on female sports! No need to open up this portfolio … anything about girls & sports is good enough for me!” But that poor schlub was wrong. So very wrong.
You know what? Screw this. SI.com for life.
Final Grade: 1 star (out of 5).