El Santo vs. The Vampire Women: Annyseed

evvw-1

Getting tired of all these reviews of chibi-vampires? Too bad. El Santo cares not about your weariness over comics where the girls have eyes as big as saucers and dress like they only shop at Hot Topic … or designed to appear at at shirt in Hot Topic. Chibi-vampires are gold. Chibi-vampires are boffo. When it comes to vampire women, there is only one dominant strain … the otaku strain … and its examples are legion. There’s Annyseed, for example, a webcomic written by U.K. artist Stuart J. Brown.

In fact, Annyseed is so otaku that it even comes with its own kanji subtitle. How hardcore is that? I will admit, though, that this is a slightly incongruous detail since the story takes place in The Isle of Skye … which looks, more or less, like the British Isles. Celtic runes would’ve been more appropriate.

Although she looks like she’s a pre-teen, Annyseed, our title character, is much older. She became a vampire at an early age, which permanently stunted her physical maturity at the age of 15. We join her in the modern day. Trust me: despite presence of decrepit buildings and characters wearing clothes straight out of Oliver Twist, her diary entry, as well as the bare midriffs on teenager girls, places this comic in 2009. This makes Annyseed 70 years old and eligible for social security if she were a human.

ans1

Annyseed gets adopted by Uncle Tarkwin and Aunt Verlin to take the role of their daughter. Wait a minute… if I read that diary entry right, they took her out of the orphanage in 2009. Did Annyseed really spend 50 friggin’ years in an orphanage? At some point, wouldn’t they figure that, despite her youngish appearance, she’s got enough experience to take care of herself? I mean, Emmanuel Lewis doesn’t have to still live at his parent’s house, does he?

Anyway, you’ve got to hand it to Tarkwin and Verlin. I personally am not crazy about the idea of having to take care of a teenage girl for more than 5 years, let alone all eternity. Think of the cell phone bills! The two, despite craving for the the refreshing taste of young blood, have more generous hearts than I.

Annyseed’s character profile says “she misses being a human more than most vampires and feels her greatest link the human world is her guitar.” Oh, Annyseed, didn’t anyone tell you? Most humans automatically recoil when someone brings out the guitar at a party. You might want to brush up on your Wii Bowling skills instead. Part of Annyseed’s plan to reconnect with humanity is to go back to high school … which, honestly, does sound like something a batty old lady would do. I do believe that this could be a sign of senile dementia.

She’s surprised to find out that high school is notoriously cliquish, which is apparently not at all what it was like back in the day. (There were no such things as nerds, jocks, greasers, and beatniks back in the 50’s, you see.) She’s mocked mercilessly by Charlotte Peechi (!), who looks and dresses like a Bratz Doll. Fortunately, Annyseed finds friendship with Winston Dunnston, who seems to be the school’s only dork. For a comic where everyone has impossibly dewy eyes, by the way, Winston’s eyes are the impossibly dewiest.

ans2

It’s not just the students that have Annyseed concerned. There’s also her teacher, Mr. Coldsteem. (Excuse me for a second: pfffffhahahahahahahaha.) And what a beautiful man (allegedly) this Coldsteem guy is, what with his perfect head of flouncy hair and deep blue eyes you can get lost in for hours on end. Annyseed starts to grow unconfortable around him. Coldstem tends to take a little bit too much interest in her, ogling her and making inappropriate gestures to Annyseed when he thinks no one notices. She starts to suspect that he’s a pervert… says the old, blood-sucking woman masquerading as a teenager. However, when you see Mr. Coldsteem’s creepy kewpie-doll face, you’d come to the same conclusion as well.

Annyseed’s adoptive parent suggest that she speak to someone named Witchhazel about her problems. Annyseed, instead, spends a very unproductive afternoon talking to shrubbery. Senile dementia is no laughing matter.

But Coldsteem and the state of Annyseed’s hormones are the least of her worries. Some time after the webcomic switches to a more horror-standard black, white, and red color palette, we’re introduced to a gross old guy who sits around his house all day on something that looks like a toilet. Also, he’s the kind of guy who refuses to wear a shirt. I suppose it’s his house, so he’s got every right to go shirtless if he wants to. But, you know, he’s got the beautiful eyes and pouty red lips that all the ladies will go wild over, and that unattractive cottage-cheese belly is kind of distracting.

It turns out that Annyseed may possess the key in getting him off his life-support system, and he’s enlisted two ninjas to help him. If you can’t guess the massive reveal about the identity of one of the ninjas, you really need to get out more.

ans3

Notable contributions to the vampire woman genre:

Chibi-vampires are a powerful curative for what ails you.

Memorable quotes:

Annyseed: “Fashion, it’s big and it’s bland, full of tension and fear.”
Charlotte Peechi: “What?”
Annyseed: “David Bowie, 1980.”

Important Life Lessons:

No one likes it when you quote David Bowie. Seriously. Even Bill “Sports Guy” Simmons has an anecdote about how he wrote verses from “Changes” in his yearbook and came to regret it years later because it made him sound more sad and pathetic than he really was. If you are thinking about ever quoting Bowie, DO NOT DO IT.


El Santo’s predictions for where this story will go in the span of a year:

Annyseed will finally get to pull off her mad guitar playing skills, and all the kids in her school will be wowed despite the fact that she can only really play the opening chords of “Stairway to Heaven.”

About these ads

About El Santo

Somehow ended up reading and reviewing almost 300 different webcomics. Life is funny, huh? Despite owning two masks, is not actually a luchador.

Posted on October 12, 2009, in action webcomic, anime, dramatic webcomic, El Santo vs the Vampire Women, gothic, horror webcomic, manga style webcomic, The Webcomic Overlook, webcomics. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Uncle Tarkwin’s number plate is apparently ‘VAMP 1′. And he was born in 1500 BC. Right then.

    Okay, so the art work here is stylized as all-get-out. I get that and thus I won’t wonder too much why Annyseed’s spindly little neck isn’t in danger of breaking due to the absurd weight of her gigantic bonce, not to mention the two Pomeranians she seems to have tied to each side of it. What I don’t get, however, is why all these characters have weirdly stumpy little legs combined with scary gorilla arms that look like they’d about reach their knees if they ever held them straight.

    Also, I’m getting rather tired of the whole idea that if a character is preppy and blonde then it’s better than evens that she (it’s almost always a she) is also going to be pure evil. I’ve seen Mary Sue fanfiction that was less infuriatingly cliche-riddled than this.

  2. Heehee okay these are getting increasingly fun to read.

    Am I the only one that is completely astounded by the name creativity?

    Annyseed…coldsteem…witchhazel…

  3. I come from the Isle of Skye. It is nothing near that wet (when I first saw Annyseed, we were having a drought) and the schools here are particularly not like that. We don’t have those stereotypes, we don’t talk like that and we have uniforms.

    I was surprised when he said he was from the UK, because it’s like this is set in Scotland, USA.

    Though I’m kinda taking your word for it being set in Scotland, all I remember is that it said “Somewhere in Scotland where it is constantly wet…”

    Uh… I’ll stop ranting now.

  1. Pingback: | Paperless Comics

  2. Pingback: Strip News 10-16-9 | News | ArtPatient.com | ArtPatient.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: