Mega metapost: Happy Fourth!
Posted by El Santo
To all Americans out there, happy Independence Day! Today, don’t forget to remember what’s important! Sexy, safe for work picture below… though I wouldn’t be entirely too comfortable with this picture up on my screen. SO there’s your fair warning. (Yeah, like you’re at work today.)
Fun Facts About America:
- To promote the cause for Independence, Ben Franklin employed one of the most powerful communication tools known to man: the cartoon. The year 1754 saw the publication of a popular “Join, or Die” cartoon, which depicted a snake split apart in a bunch of different pieces. OK, so the cartoon had the subtlety of a P. Diddy political slogan and was ill-advised in depicting the US as a snake, but this is Ben Friggin’ Franklin we’re talking about. Did you harness the mighty power of electricity with just a kite and key? I didn’t think so.
- Contrary to popular opinion, the American Revolution was not fought by housecats. It was, however, fought by dreamy hunks and sexy babes.
- The Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4, 1776. It includes the famous line about “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness,” plus a bunch of other words that people don’t remember or use in ads for new Chevy cars. A pity, since “Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages” is pretty kick ass.
- President James Monroe was elected in 1817 and proceeds to pass the Monroe Doctrine, which basically states that the Western Hemisphere is now closed to European Colonization and the US will now take care of things, thank you very much. He also proves to be quite the sexy envy of the British royalty, according to Kate Beaton. (By the way, props to John Quincy Adams for being the actual proponent of the Monroe Doctrine, as well as being even more sexy, by all accounts.)
- If you think today’s political campaigns are far too negative, dig up your old textbooks and re-read the John Quincy Adams-Andrew Jackson election in 1828. Jackson getting slammed for getting it on with a married woman, Quincy getting accused for pimping an American girl to a Russian Czar, Jackson blaming the National Republican Party for his wife’s death, questionable results from the previous election (also featuring John Quincy Adams and Andrew Jackson)… this election had it all. By the way, never bet against Jackson: he was the world’s biggest jackass and an unkillable son of a bitch. All those things we attribute to Chuck Norris in that Internet meme? Andrew Jackson DID.
- Just to show you how tactful Ol’ Hickory could be: he once refered to future president (and possibly homosexual) James Buchanan and his roommate Senator William King as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy.” It’s widely speculated that Jackson also originated “Yo Momma” jokes. Oddly enough, Buchanan and King have never been subjects for much yaoi fanart — which would be entirely appropriate given the circumstances — unlike some other candidates.
- Lincoln on the other hand…. Well, who can’t love a disembodied head with a sweet naivete? I guess this is just another way to pimp my Thinkin’ Lincoln review, but really I just don’t want to get raked over the coals again by Southerners arguing that the Civil War was about state rights. (And it totally was! Please don’t pump me full of buckshot, oh Mr. or Mrs. Ozark sir or madam.) Besides, Lincoln may or may not have had anything to do with the war. If I remember correctly, he once sat down with Harriet Beecher Stowe and said, “Yo, sexy momma, you started the war between the states, dig?” and she was all like, “For real? Simon LeGree was all northside, A-Linc,” then Robert E. Lee was all like, “State rights in the hizzy!” Crazy.
- The Civil War, by the way, is an awesome resource for steampunk fanatics. The War saw the appearance of the Gatling gun, several varieties of ironclads, submarines, and steam-powered flying contraptions manned by proper top-hatted gentlemen. I think.
- Contrary to popular opinion, President Garfield was not a housecat.
- Cartoonist Thomas Nast famously parodied the Democrats and Republicans by depicting them as jackasses and elephants. Both political parties went on to adopt these illustrations as their symbols. I imagine Nast is in heaven, shaking his head and muttering, “You just don’t get it,” for all of eternity. He’s also highly influential in how we envision Santa Claus, so he pretty much invented modern Christmas, too. So what have you webcartoonists done today?
- The Bull Moose President, Teddy Roosevelt, proves to the world that he’s just about the coolest president that ever was (as well as The Most Badass, according to Cracked.com). By the way, if you’re wondering why I have so many Kate Beaton strips linked, it’s because she’s the only webcomic artist who can do American History justice. And she’s CANADIAN. Goddammit, American webcomic artists! Put down the damn video games and cover some subject matter that WON’T be forgotten in the span of six months!
- A webcomic about the Medal of Honor games does not count!
- Contrary to popular opinion, the Prohibition Era was not contested by housecats.
That’s it. I’m off to the beach. Peace out!
PS Seriously, unless you’re from outside the US, why in the world are you sitting at home logged in on the internet for? It’s the Fourth of July!
PSS Hey, don’t you judge me! I wrote this up on June 30. This post is time-released, boyyyyyyy!